How to Write an Award Winning Limerick

I used to write a monthly article for a newspaper in Las Vegas, “The Vegas Times.” The article was entitled “Love Letters by S. Frank Stringham.” Each month I would write a love letter to an inanimate object as if it were my sweetheart. The articles were replete with puns, one-liners, double entendres, and cornball humor. It was a hit!! I would end each love letter with a romantic poem…well…I would call it a love poem, but it was always a limerick.

Here’s a small portion of one of the love letters (written right before the Super Bowl) complete with a passionate poem (limerick):

My Dearest Fair Catch,
…I remember the first time I ever saw you…I said to myself, “I’m going to Steeler away!! My Chief goal ever since then was to intercept your attentions, go out, catch you, go all the way, do some high-steppin’, center our lives on our time out together, and huddle with you in the grass…
Maybe this poem will say it the best…

Love, S. Frank Stringham

(In the future, I will be sharing some of my favorite love letters…so get excited!!)

Before I continue, I know you’re asking yourself what makes me think that I’m qualified to teach people how to write award winning limericks…did I win an award for my newspaper articles. The answer is “NO!”

BUT…about a month ago, I entered a limerick-writing contest. You could enter as many limericks as you wanted, but the limerick had to be about a “pet peeve.” I entered 7 limericks. The contest was open to people in over 60 countries. Altogether, there were 240 limericks that were entered into the contest. I took first place!!

To see the results, the second and third place winners, and the honorable mentions (of which 4 more of my limericks were a part of), go to John Kinde’s HumorPower Blog

I want to share my limericks with you (the ones that I submitted to the contest)…starting with the winning limerick (inspired by my brother Don’s views on capital punishment):

Jailhouse Rocket Science
“Less crimes” could be so undemanding.
The prisons we could be disbanding.
Have the crooks in one cage
Fight with all of their rage
And relock-up the one that’s left standing!!

I Can’t Believe it’s Not a Butter
I hate people cutting in line.
I’m sure that there should be a fine.
A jumbo-size fee,
Or hung up from a tree…
Wait,…up there’s a good friend of mine…

Avenue Queue
These drivers are making me hiss
This road is a pothole abyss
I’d take on the horde
Of the trafficking board
But I know what they’d want me to kiss.

Waxing RAP-sodic
Music, today, makes me squawk
My head hurts so much, I can’t walk
Someone spoke in a rhyme,
Added drums and a chime
And now they’re revered much like Bach?

Pail in Comparison
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his gripes in a bucket
He wrote down each stink
With some paper and ink
And, each year, took a match and he struck it.

Alms for the Bind
When I work for tips and gratuities
Exerting my best continuities
My disapprobation
Gets BIG veneration
When left nothing but ambiguities!!

HOA-Mongers
“Why rent?” says the Real Estate twit,
“When you could own this money pit?”
Then he drives to the pad
That he rents from his dad
Knowing he is a big hypocrite.

Now, as promised, I’ll teach you how to write an award-winning limerick!!

Let’s begin with the subject…I’ll pull one out of thin air, just to be fair…and we’ll work on it together so you can see how the process is done. Let’s say: cell phones

Now what kinds of things can be related to cell phones, or what kinds of things bug you about cell phones?

The list:
Small
Annoying
Calling plans
Obnoxious providers
(these are just things that I’m writing down off the top of my head)
Text messaging
Cingular
Verizon
AT&T
Sprint
T-Mobile
Camera phone
MP3 player
(still just brainstorming…you?)
Razor thin
Weak signal
Dropped calls
Roaming
Reception bars
(O.K., let’s stop there, we have some things we can work with)

Now, before we compose the limerick, we need to come up with the punch line. Ask yourself, “What, about this limerick, is going to be funny?” We have to have a line at the end that the readers aren’t ready for.

Here’s the first limerick off of the top of my head as I’m writing this article:

Your cell phone is there when you go out
It’s something that you wouldn’t throw out
‘Cause now is the age
It’s the technical “rage”
But it’s just a Cingular blowout!

Pretty lame, right? Well that’s just a beginner…we can get better, but let me tell you where I was coming from with this one…I wanted something that maybe I could work with. I decided to play with the double meaning of singular and Cingular…though that’s probably not the way to go…let’s try another one:

I know that the ringing abhors
In movies and grocery stores
I answer, “Hello!”
But finally I know
It isn’t MY cell phone, it’s yours!!

Ah, this one I like better…it better addresses people’s annoyance with cell phone users who seem to want to show off the fact that they have a cell phone, in public places, by talking louder than normal…(‘scuse me, was that a tangent?) Also it has a twist at the end…it wasn’t me, after all, who was the annoying cell phone user…it was you.

When I was formulating this limerick in my head, I knew that I wanted the punch line to be what it is…”it isn’t MY cell phone, it’s yours,” so I had to think of words that rhymed with YOURS:
Floors
Fours
Doors
Chores
Abhors (Ah, good word)
S’mores
Deplores
Scores (I was trying to use this one…I just couldn’t make it work)
Stores (Aha!!…see yesterday’s blog)

To tell you the truth, when I first wrote it down, the second line said “in churches and grocery stores,” but I rarely hear cell phones go off in church…however, I hear them ring, AND GET ANSWERED, in movie theaters ALL OF THE TIME!! (RUDE)!!

Now let’s talk about the rhythm of the limerick. I think this is essential!! (This is going to be a Music 101 class…I hope you like to waltz)

If you can count to 3, you can get the basic rhythm of a limerick…but you have to start with 3

Start clapping a steady beat (about 1 beat per second until you feel comfortable enough to clap at about 3 beats per second) Each time it’s the first beat of three, clap that one a little bit louder…then begin counting out loud…whisper the small numbers below and loudly say the larger numbers…ready?

3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2
3 1 2 3 1 2
3 1 2 3 1 2
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

Let’s do it again, but this time with the limerick that we just wrote:

I know that the ringing abhors
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2

In movies and grocery stores
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2

I answer, “Hello!”
3 1 2 3 1 2

But *finally I know
3 1 2 3 1 2

It isn’t MY cell phone, it’s yours!!
3 12 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

Did you get it?

*(though the word “finally” is usually a 3-syllable word, in this case, to match the rhythm, we say it in 2 syllables)

This is the basic rhythm of a limerick…it gets a bit more complicated with “ands!!”
This will feel like you’re going in double time…clap the same rhythm that you did before, but now when you lift your hand off of the other one, say “and.”

For example:

3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 AND 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and
3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 AND 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and
3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and
3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and
3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 1 AND 2 and 3 and 1 and 2 and 3 and

This example is how you would say the rhythm of the limerick above called “Alms for the Bind” (the 6th of the “Pet Peeve” limericks).

Time to title the limerick, then we’ll be done for now…something clever, something with, perhaps, a double meaning or a play on words…hmmm, let’s see:

I guess I could do it…but maybe I should have you come up with a title to our “cell phone” limerick!!

Groovy idea…write to me with your best title…I’ll be waiting!!

The END…
So now, as we end this analysis
Of limerick and rhythm dialysis
I hope, in my heart
You’ve learned every part
Without getting “fanny” paralysis