Being Politically Correct During the Holidays

Happy Kwanukkmas…or not!!

A friend of mine works for a transit authority driving a train (the kind where vagrants and businessmen can co-mingle for a few miles). Last year, as he was ending the shift before his holiday vacation (2 weeks in sunny Cleveland), he got on the loud speaker and wished everybody a Merry Christmas. He got in trouble for doing this. Someone on the train complained.

WHAT!!?

Let’s try to analyze the absurdity of this event…

First of all, we live in a free country where we have the right to say what we want, be what we want, worship what we want, and order what we want and then super-size it.

So should I be offended if somebody tells me Happy Kwanzaa…or Happy Hanukkah…or Happy-Go-Lucky (those darned Irish)?

What if I was an atheist? Should I go around and say “Happy Nothing To You”…(or would it be “Merry Nothing…”)?

I’m not slamming anybody’s religion…or non-religion (I don’t slam…I SLAP {Click here to read what I mean}). I’m just offended by people’s “offendedness.”

I have an idea, let’s go rewrite the constitution so that if you wish someone a Merry Christmas, you’ll get fired from your job and thrown into prison…but only if you mean it.

Greeting card companies are going to have to watch what they say in their cards…

Greeting Cards:
“Best Wishes” – I don’t believe in Genies, this card is offensive…
“Happy Birthday” – I wasn’t born…my older brother said I was found under a rock.
“Get Well Soon” – I’m offended…why don’t you want me to get well NOW?
“Congratulations” – What?!! Too much pressure, too much pressure…!!
“Thank You” – Oh great!!…now I have to return the “thanks”…
“It’s A Boy” – Are you throwing into my face that this is a male-dominated society?
“You’re a bigoted, freedom-hating, get-offended-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, sniveling, nefarious, misogynist who loves the dark lord and eats shredded glass for breakfast” – this one is O.K.

It’s not just greeting cards you know…the media, in general, is in huge “politically correct” trouble.

Movies:
“Kingdom Come Can Wait”
“Superior Aristocrat of the Rings”
“Children of a Lesser Prophet-Like Being”
“Jack Donkey 2”
“The Nightmare Before A Special Holiday To Some People”
“Ernest Saves Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas (Kwanukkmas)…Or Not”
“A Certain Celebrated Festival Day That Will Remain Anonymous Carol”
“How The Grinches Stole Christmas” (This one is actually about the people who I’m talkin’ about)

Television:
“Enemies-Challenged”
“Desperate Dwelling-Spouses”
“CSI: Your-ami”
“The Simpchildren”
“Non-Nationality Idol”
“Absorbent Float Equal-Sided Shape Pants”
“Self-Restraint and Etiquette” (can you get this one?)
“Ms.-vivor”
“No Particular Rank Hospital”

The trouble with political correctness is that you’re never quite sure what you need to be politically correct about…

For example:
What if African Americans are from France and not America…should we call them African Frenchies?
What if some White Anglo-Saxon Protestants (WASPs) come from Central Lebenon…do we call them CLASPs?
If a redneck passes third grade, do we still call him a redneck…or do we let him marry Hilary and preside over America?

It is very confusing…

Why can’t this just be the land of the free and the home of the brave…(although, actually, originally it was the home of the Indians…oops, I mean the Native Americans)?

I’ve got to go back to the television thing…

These people want to take all religious shows off the air and they want to strike the words “God” and “Christ” out of every televised event…UNLESS…the people on the shows are taking the name of the Lord in vain. Constantly, the writers, the actors, and the producers are putting shows on television where every other line is “Oh, my G**!!” How come they aren’t complaining about that? Why isn’t THAT politically incorrect?

Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh!!! (THUMP)

Sorry, I just fell off of my high horse.

Back to the holidays…

Nowadays, our kids have to watch what they sing in school during “the season:”

Songs:
“I Saw Mommy Kissing A Really Good Guy Clause”
“Rudolph, the Blue and Yellow-Challenged – Nosed Reindeer”
“O (this doesn’t mean we’re looking down on the other letters of the alphabet) Holy Night”
“Feliz Navaja Dado” (Rough translation…I Want To Wish You A Merry Jackknife Dice)

“Jingle Bells” now looks like this…

We were hurrying and darting and a rushing
Through the frozen drifts of H2O and tiny frozen particles of ice
Positioned in an singular and solely individual equestrian
Convertible and elevated sled
While we traveled and we glided and we skimmed across the frozen earth and over plots and ranges camouflaged in white
Jovial with giggling and tittering and snickering and chuckling the distance And duration of the journey.

While we listened to the ringing and the clanging of the tiny chimes connected to the Filly, which was sauntering a bit
Enlightened and elated and experiencing a happiness, with pleasure and enjoyment as the specified intent
Ah, to be the entertained recipient and bearer of this pilgrimage while stars are Shining luminescent overhead
Lyrically while crooning this melodious and musical refrain

Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tinkling and jangling while traveling the distance from beginning of our Caravan and ending at our destiny
Gee, the primal ecstasy and pleasant joviality that permeates our essence and Intelligences while then
Positioned in a singular and solely individual equestrian convertible and Elevated sled…you know I’m talkin’ ‘bout the

Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tinkling and jangling while traveling the distance from beginning of our Caravan and ending at our destiny
Gee, the primal ecstasy and pleasant joviality that permeates our essence and Intelligences while then
Positioned in a singular and solely individual equestrian convertible and Elevated sled.

That’s just crazy!! How do you make those words fit the music? I don’t know, but if you don’t want to be belittled by the bigheaded ogres who are watching and listening to every politically incorrect thing you say, you’d better do it!!

(sigh)…Happy Holidays…