Merry Christmas to you!! Did I actually use the word Christmas? Are you offended? (For more on being offended during the holiday season, please read my article entitled Being Politically Correct During The Holidays)!!

Today, since THE holiday is nearing, and I have so much to do (presents to make, wrap, send, etc.) and so little time to write, I figured this would be a GREAT time to start my Love Letter series.

I used to write an article for a local newspaper called Love Letters from S. Frank Stringham. I would write love letters, complete with a love poem (limerick), to inanimate objects.

Since it’s Christmastime, I’ll start with a love letter to a wreath.

Love Letters from S. Frank Stringham

To A Wreath

My Dearest Holly,

First of all, before I start to pine away about how proud I am to be your beau, and before you spruce yourself up, I just want to tell you that I love your cones. I know that you might take that all wrong, but don’t let your insides get into a knot, ‘cause I’m just needling you.

You are so beautiful…even when you’re just decked out in the halls. I may be going out on a limb when I say this, but when the lights are on you just right and we’re near a warm, comfortable fire, I love you with all my hearth.

I admit that I saw you get green with envy when I started singing with Carol, or when I began to drink with Brandy and Sherry (the hot Toddy twins), or even when I was collecting for Charity, but be-leave me, when I’m under the mistletoe…you’re the one that I want to hook up with.

I love to see you adorned with your colorful apparel…it’s amazing to me that you can branch out and wear anything, from your flashing sequins to your western wear (complete with spurs). I especially love it when you greet me with bells on…talk about making me go dingy…and I’m not just ribbon you either.

When you’re around me, I start to feel real tingly. Your perfume reminds me of the first time we met in the woods and when I first held you…I remember how sappy we got together.

My deep-rooted love for you will last till Father Time comes to take you away.

And now a poem that suckles, honey.

A Ring of Fir
When people first see you, I vow
They raise an admiring brow
You’re a pretty green vine
Like a round porcupine
So just smile and then take a bough.

I love you; hang around for the holidays, O.K.?

Love, S. Frank Stringham

Happy Kwanukkmas…or not!!

A friend of mine works for a transit authority driving a train (the kind where vagrants and businessmen can co-mingle for a few miles). Last year, as he was ending the shift before his holiday vacation (2 weeks in sunny Cleveland), he got on the loud speaker and wished everybody a Merry Christmas. He got in trouble for doing this. Someone on the train complained.

WHAT!!?

Let’s try to analyze the absurdity of this event…

First of all, we live in a free country where we have the right to say what we want, be what we want, worship what we want, and order what we want and then super-size it.

So should I be offended if somebody tells me Happy Kwanzaa…or Happy Hanukkah…or Happy-Go-Lucky (those darned Irish)?

What if I was an atheist? Should I go around and say “Happy Nothing To You”…(or would it be “Merry Nothing…”)?

I’m not slamming anybody’s religion…or non-religion (I don’t slam…I SLAP {Click here to read what I mean}). I’m just offended by people’s “offendedness.”

I have an idea, let’s go rewrite the constitution so that if you wish someone a Merry Christmas, you’ll get fired from your job and thrown into prison…but only if you mean it.

Greeting card companies are going to have to watch what they say in their cards…

Greeting Cards:
“Best Wishes” – I don’t believe in Genies, this card is offensive…
“Happy Birthday” – I wasn’t born…my older brother said I was found under a rock.
“Get Well Soon” – I’m offended…why don’t you want me to get well NOW?
“Congratulations” – What?!! Too much pressure, too much pressure…!!
“Thank You” – Oh great!!…now I have to return the “thanks”…
“It’s A Boy” – Are you throwing into my face that this is a male-dominated society?
“You’re a bigoted, freedom-hating, get-offended-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, sniveling, nefarious, misogynist who loves the dark lord and eats shredded glass for breakfast” – this one is O.K.

It’s not just greeting cards you know…the media, in general, is in huge “politically correct” trouble.

Movies:
“Kingdom Come Can Wait”
“Superior Aristocrat of the Rings”
“Children of a Lesser Prophet-Like Being”
“Jack Donkey 2”
“The Nightmare Before A Special Holiday To Some People”
“Ernest Saves Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas (Kwanukkmas)…Or Not”
“A Certain Celebrated Festival Day That Will Remain Anonymous Carol”
“How The Grinches Stole Christmas” (This one is actually about the people who I’m talkin’ about)

Television:
“Enemies-Challenged”
“Desperate Dwelling-Spouses”
“CSI: Your-ami”
“The Simpchildren”
“Non-Nationality Idol”
“Absorbent Float Equal-Sided Shape Pants”
“Self-Restraint and Etiquette” (can you get this one?)
“Ms.-vivor”
“No Particular Rank Hospital”

The trouble with political correctness is that you’re never quite sure what you need to be politically correct about…

For example:
What if African Americans are from France and not America…should we call them African Frenchies?
What if some White Anglo-Saxon Protestants (WASPs) come from Central Lebenon…do we call them CLASPs?
If a redneck passes third grade, do we still call him a redneck…or do we let him marry Hilary and preside over America?

It is very confusing…

Why can’t this just be the land of the free and the home of the brave…(although, actually, originally it was the home of the Indians…oops, I mean the Native Americans)?

I’ve got to go back to the television thing…

These people want to take all religious shows off the air and they want to strike the words “God” and “Christ” out of every televised event…UNLESS…the people on the shows are taking the name of the Lord in vain. Constantly, the writers, the actors, and the producers are putting shows on television where every other line is “Oh, my G**!!” How come they aren’t complaining about that? Why isn’t THAT politically incorrect?

Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh!!! (THUMP)

Sorry, I just fell off of my high horse.

Back to the holidays…

Nowadays, our kids have to watch what they sing in school during “the season:”

Songs:
“I Saw Mommy Kissing A Really Good Guy Clause”
“Rudolph, the Blue and Yellow-Challenged – Nosed Reindeer”
“O (this doesn’t mean we’re looking down on the other letters of the alphabet) Holy Night”
“Feliz Navaja Dado” (Rough translation…I Want To Wish You A Merry Jackknife Dice)

“Jingle Bells” now looks like this…

We were hurrying and darting and a rushing
Through the frozen drifts of H2O and tiny frozen particles of ice
Positioned in an singular and solely individual equestrian
Convertible and elevated sled
While we traveled and we glided and we skimmed across the frozen earth and over plots and ranges camouflaged in white
Jovial with giggling and tittering and snickering and chuckling the distance And duration of the journey.

While we listened to the ringing and the clanging of the tiny chimes connected to the Filly, which was sauntering a bit
Enlightened and elated and experiencing a happiness, with pleasure and enjoyment as the specified intent
Ah, to be the entertained recipient and bearer of this pilgrimage while stars are Shining luminescent overhead
Lyrically while crooning this melodious and musical refrain

Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tinkling and jangling while traveling the distance from beginning of our Caravan and ending at our destiny
Gee, the primal ecstasy and pleasant joviality that permeates our essence and Intelligences while then
Positioned in a singular and solely individual equestrian convertible and Elevated sled…you know I’m talkin’ ‘bout the

Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tiny little metal chimes that tinkle with delight
Tinkling and jangling while traveling the distance from beginning of our Caravan and ending at our destiny
Gee, the primal ecstasy and pleasant joviality that permeates our essence and Intelligences while then
Positioned in a singular and solely individual equestrian convertible and Elevated sled.

That’s just crazy!! How do you make those words fit the music? I don’t know, but if you don’t want to be belittled by the bigheaded ogres who are watching and listening to every politically incorrect thing you say, you’d better do it!!

(sigh)…Happy Holidays…